


Saturn Sangria Saturdays

by likelikeLove



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: A lot of talking about cocks but disappointingly little touching of cocks, Action, Alternate Universe - Future, Clones, Enemies to Lovers, Flirting, Fluff, Hot boys in space, Humour, M/M, Minor Violence, Rivals to Lovers, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Science Fiction, So much bickering, Some making out...in space, Space monster hunters, Swearing, Theatrically named spaceships, Weird futuristic weapons, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28444158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likelikeLove/pseuds/likelikeLove
Summary: Byun Baekhyun and his rival Park Chanyeol are 2 of the galaxy's greatest monster hunters. They might have been THE greatest if they spent less time arguing together at their favourite restaurant EXOplanet and more time actually catching monsters. After an eye-opening All-You -Can-Drink-Saturn-Sangria-Saturday, can they put aside their differences and work together long enough to make their most dangerous and lucrative monster capture ever?...or is the job just too good to be true?
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 15
Kudos: 67
Collections: Swords and Hearts 2020





	Saturn Sangria Saturdays

**Author's Note:**

> **Code:** SAH103  
>  **Prompt:** "The Universe is big enough, stop chasing me, Park"  
> Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun are the greatest monster hunters in the Galaxy, and also the biggest rivals, but for some reason they keep meeting at Exoplanet, an intergalactic restaurant/motel beyond Pluto.  
>  **Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction and none of the characters are owned by Swords and Hearts.**  
>  **All creative rights and ownership of this particular work of fiction lie with the respective authors.**
> 
> **Author's Note:** Big thanks to the prompter who submitted this charming prompt! I really enjoyed writing this rollicking, bickering-filled, slightly bizarre, space romp, I hope you enjoy it and it’s somewhat slightly what you hoped for!  
> Also, thank you to the Mods for your hard work. I know it's been a very difficult year to be running your first fic fest.

“You can’t bring _that_ in here,” repeated the burly security guard, using his bulk effectively to bar the entrance to the establishment.

“But it’s restrained!”

“It’s a monster!”

“Oh, it’s harmless,” protested Baekhyun. “Look it wouldn’t hurt a…” he broke off as the monster opened his huge jaws and made a slightly half-hearted attempt to rip his arm off. Baekhyun pulled hard on the restraints, smiling awkwardly and trying to push the huge struggling swamp monster out of sight behind him, where it continued to snarl and squelch releasing an unpleasant smell like an open drain.

“Get it out of here. Now!” ordered the security guard, his voice coming out nasal and high pitched because he was holding his nose with his fingers.

“I only need to bring it inside for a minute, I promise. I just need someone to see me with it so I can rub it in his big stupid face,” whined Baekhyun.

“Are my ears burning?” asked a familiar deep voice from behind him.

“Typical,” muttered Baekhyun before rounding on him. “Depends…are you admitting you have a big, stupid face?” he asked.

Park Chanyeol was standing in front of him now his lopsided grin already in place and maddeningly smug, as always.

After an afternoon wrangling a swamp monster Baekhyun was feeling more than a little dishevelled. Park Chanyeol, on the other hand, was quite annoyingly well-groomed and dressed. Tonight, he had on a zipped up long black leather jacket over his fitted black combat pants and enormous Venus viper skin boots. His pink hair was swept back artfully. Baekhyun was pretty sure he did this to ensure no part of his disarmingly handsome face was obscured. 

Baekhyun felt he had more in common with the swamp monster than the tall impeccably dressed young man now tilting his head almost playfully at him.

“You call that flirting?” asked Chanyeol, somehow managing to look even smugger than before.

“No! For the last time, Park Chanyeol, I am not flirting with you! I am insulting you.”

“I might believe that if you hadn’t just run your eyes up and down my whole body,” retorted Chanyeol smoothly.

Baekhyun willed himself not to blush and snapped out immediately, “I was just looking for where that horrible smell was coming from.”

“I think you’ll find that’s you,” replied Chanyeol.

The swamp monster took that exact moment to open its mouth even wider and unleash another savage wave of pungent swampy odour.

Chanyeol stepped back. Baekhyun wished he could have too, but the restraints kept the monster within arm’s length. Still, it was better out here in the open, driving the swamp monster in the enclosed space of his spacecraft had been a truly eye-watering experience. 

“Well, it’ll be worth it,” he said complacently, then added a little doubtfully, “Didn’t you go for this job too?”

“Nope, it’s a bitch getting that smell out of leather,” said Chanyeol, taking another step back to avoid a spreading puddle of swamp monster secretions which were seeping towards his boots. “Besides,” he continued, “I got a better offer.” He shook back the sleeve of his jacket, letting Baekhyun see the number on his currency-watch.

Baekhyun grabbed his wrist holding the scratched screen closer to his face.

“4000 eGems?!” he exclaimed, “For one job?!”

“Yep, a nest of venomous Bonesnares.”

Baekhyun swore and released his grip on Chanyeol’s arm. He hadn’t even heard about that job. If he had he would have taken it in a heartbeat over a measly 300 eGems to capture a stinking swamp monster. Plus, he still had to deliver the damn thing if he wanted payment and that would take another few hours out of his night.

He sighed, glancing at the pathetically low number on his own currency-watch and trying to surreptitiously pull his sleeve down so Chanyeol wouldn’t see it. Some long put off and desperately needed repairs on his spacecraft The Huntress had wiped out most of his currency balance. The number on his watch was only slightly more embarrassing than the extremely old and tiny rental craft he was now forced to drive until he could get his own spacecraft back again.

“Ditch your little friend and I might even buy you dinner. I’m feeling generous,” said Chanyeol, smirking irritatingly.

“I don’t need you to buy me anything, Park,” snapped back Baekhyun. Then he reconsidered. “Wait! It’s Friday, right? That’s Neptune Seafood night! You can buy me dinner!” he said hurriedly. He had his pride, but it wasn’t worth passing up a huge Nepture lobster for. They were the size of a small dog and though they had more heads than a usual lobster they made up for it by having more tails too.

The smirk slipped slightly from Chanyeol’s face. “I wasn’t seriously going to buy you din—” he began, but Baekhyun was already dragging the swamp monster off across the parking lot.

“Get me the A set!” Baekhyun called over his shoulder, “The one with the lobster! I’ll be back in a minute!”

He waited till Chanyeol had gone into the hotel, shaking his head slightly, before pulling the monster around the building to the back parking lot. He had parked there in an attempt to hide the pathetically small rental craft, which had been optimistically named “The Relentless”, from the mocking stares of certain other annoying monster hunters.

He pressed in the code into the band on his right wrist so the electric restraints tethering the monster to him crackled and vanished. Then succeeded in pushing the swamp monster into the back of the cramped spacecraft. The thing made some rather sad and pathetic squelching noises.

“This is your own fault!” exclaimed Baekhyun. “If you could’ve behaved, they might have let you into the hotel, but now you’ll just have to stay in here till I’m done eating. And did you have to embarrass me like that in front of Park Chanyeol?! I mean I’m the one who got you out of that hellish swamp.”

The swamp monster raised a gooey appendage which may have been an arm and gave a squelch of protest.

“Yes, I understand you’re a swamp monster…”

It squelched again.

“And so, you actually…like swamps?”

It gave a prolonged squelch.

“I’m sorry, you’re right, it _was_ reasonably nice…for a swamp. Look, I’ll be back soon, and I’ll bring you a lobster tail or something, alright?”

The swamp monster gave a conciliatory squelch as Baekhyun closed the door.

Baekhyun headed back around the front of the hotel EXOplanet. It had been an upmarket and stylish place once set on its own small moon beyond Pluto, back when Pluto had been fashionable. It wasn’t fashionable anymore; a series of meteor showers had destroyed most of the expensive real estate and the wealthy clientele who had once frequented the hotel’s fancy restaurant had all moved away. The owner had taken the downfall of the neighbourhood in his stride. Do Kyungsoo was no fool and he knew changes were needed if his establishment was going to survive. He had dimmed the lights, changed the menu, lowered the prices and in an absolute stroke of genius set up a series of screens where jobs for monster hunters could be advertised, for a surprisingly reasonable price. An even greater stroke of genius was the installation of the Leaderboard. If he knew anything about monster hunters, it was that they were insanely competitive. The EXOplanet now did a roaring trade, so much so that a security guard had to be employed to keep any actual roaring to a minimum.

The restaurant still retained some remnants of its former grandeur, the magnificent lighted ceiling, with its huge pattern of coiling pastel rainbow tubes contrasting to the white shiny marble walls and sunken dance floor. The design had been a sort of wry nod to what 1960’s earth designers had thought the future would be like. It had been called refreshing retro when it first opened in the year 4500.

The security guard eyed Baekhyun sceptically when he reappeared as if he might be hiding another monster about his person but begrudgingly let him through the door. Baekhyun handed over his gun and accepted a small token with a number to claim it back later.

He glanced up at the dimly lit coloured ceiling humming gently as always above him as he crossed the restaurant floor to their usual booth.

He generally came in a few nights a week to eat, look for new jobs and talk shit to and about Park Chanyeol. He definitely didn’t seek Chanyeol out, it was just that he always seemed to be there whenever he was, big arrogant smile in place, always ready to argue the best way to catch and contain a blob-squid or swap insults. Out of all the monster hunters it was somehow always Chanyeol he was vying with for the best jobs. And one time, on an All-You-Can-Drink-Saturn-Sangria-Saturday they might have accidentally made out in the bathroom for 20 minutes before the owner threw them out, but both pretended they didn’t remember. They mostly avoided EXOplanet on Saturdays from then on. 

Baekhyun turned his face purposefully to avoid looking at the leaderboard as he passed it. He felt like the days when he saw himself at the top were becoming fewer and farther between lately. But he was optimistic he could turn that around once he got The Huntress back again in working order. 

He was about to throw himself into the booth seat opposite Chanyeol when Chanyeol called out, “Stop!”

He picked up a pink can from the table and sprayed Baekhyun liberally with it.

Baekhyun coughed and spluttered waving his hands in front of his face to help clear the haze of flowery scent.

“Was that really necessary?!”

“ _Yes_ ,” said Chanyeol emphatically. Several people at nearby tables who had covered their noses with their sleeves as he passed seem to agree.

The short irritable owner of EXOplanet stomped over and snatched the can from Chanyeol’s hand. Kyungsoo pointed aggressively at the label stuck to the can which said, ‘Property of EXOplanet hotel. DO NOT REMOVE FROM BATHROOM!’ and then stomped off again.

“Oh well done! He’s annoyed at us now!” said Baekhyun, giving the retreating figure a wary look as he slid into the booth.

“You’re the one who came in here smelling like you’d climbed out of a sewer!”

“It’s swamp smell, not sewer smell,” said Baekhyun, deprecatingly.

“Oh, I’m sorry that I’m not aware of the fine distinction between sewer smell and swamp smell, but unlike you, I don’t spend much time in either,” said Chanyeol, lazing against the booth’s cushions one arm behind his head. He had taken his jacket off revealing a sleeveless hooded black top which fitted him extremely well.

“Keep talking to me like that and you will!” threatened Baekhyun sitting forward in his seat.

Just then, the owner returned, dropping two plates on the table in front of them.

Baekhyun looked at his plate angrily, it had several very large electric blue crabs on it but not a lobster in sight. “You’ve done it now!” he exclaimed. “You’ve pissed him off so much he left the lobster out of our meal sets!”

“No, he didn’t. That’s set B,” said Chanyeol flatly.

Baekhyun looked up, he could barely see Chanyeol behind the enormous purple lobster on his plate. He gasped. “You said you’d get me the A set too!”

“I never said that. I only buy lobster for my friends,” said Chanyeol, attacking his lobster with both hands. “Maybe the swamp fumes are making you hallucinate?”

“Haven’t you heard the saying; Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?”

“Yes, but I don't recall it saying I had to buy them lobster!”

“You’re a stingy bastard,” said Baekhyun.

“I can’t hear you,” said Chanyeol, who was now loudly cracking open his huge Neptunian lobster.

Baekhyun started to angrily pull apart his crabs while ignoring all the obnoxiously ostentatious moans of pleasure Chanyeol was now making through mouthfuls of lobster.

After a few bites of the deliciously salty soft white meat of the crab he felt mollified however, it mightn’t be lobster, but the crabs were undeniably delicious.

As he started on the third one, he exclaimed loudly, “This is really delicious. Better than lobster even, you know if I had a choice, I’d get crabs again.”

“I don’t want to hear about your STDs while I'm trying to enjoy this wonderful lobster,” replied Chanyeol.

Baekhyun choked on a mouthful of crab meat, spluttering hard he managed with an effort to clear his throat. He felt the lump of half-chewed crab meat fly out of his mouth and watched as it landed straight in Chanyeol’s full glass. The drink splattered out spraying Chanyeol’s shocked face.

Baekhyun felt one second of horrified embarrassment before bursting out laughing at Chanyeol’s disgusted expression.

“I should have invited the swamp monster to dinner, I’m sure it has better table manners than you!” exclaimed Chanyeol. He snatched up his paper napkin hurriedly dabbing at his wet face.

“I’ll give you 20 eGems to drink that!” Baekhyun managed to choke out between snorts of laughter, pointing at the glass.

“You don’t even have 20 eGems! And if you do, you’re going to use them to buy me a new drink! I don’t want your partially digested crab juice!”

“Alright alright. What are you drinking? Saturn Sangria?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You must be confusing me with someone else. I have _never_ drunk Saturn Sangria,” denied Chanyeol, though his cheeks seemed to get a little pinker. “Just get me a whiskey.”

“That wasn’t whiskey!” exclaimed Baekhyun, pointing at the glass which looked like some kind of soft drink, certainly nothing as expensive as whiskey.

“I think we can both agree that when you regurgitate half a crab into someone’s drink the least you can do is buy them whatever they like to replace it,” said Chanyeol tartly.

“Fine,” said Baekhyun, standing up and clambering out of the booth. He’d get him the cheapest, nastiest whiskey they had.

He was just out of the booth when an announcement started up on the screens nearby. Every single head in the place turned to face it immediately and an unusual hush fell across the restaurant. 

Baekhyun hurried closer and saw the face of a man repeatedly flash up on each screen.

The EXOplanet owner charged by both screen time and quantity of screens. The advertiser of this job clearly had money if he could afford to advertise on every screen at once. The face looked young, pale and nervous but also quite determined as he began to announce the job.

“My family needs your help, we live on Xena5 and we are being terrorised by a giant lightning Eagle. The reward for its capture and removal will be 10000 eGems.”

Baekhyun’s mouth fell open. There was a small crowd gathered with him at the screens now. He nudged the man standing next to him and was about to ask if he had heard that right, but it wasn’t necessary because the words “10000 eGems?!!” reverberated around the whole bar in awed whispers from every mouth.

The location of the job and the reward amount flashed on all the screens now too. Baekhyun slid his Smart Goggles down from where they’d been perched on his head and took a hasty scan of the coordinates. He was expecting to have to fight his way out of the restaurant on a tide of hunters all desperate to take the job, but the location seemed to have turned many off, most were heading back into their booths or returning to the bar. He felt a familiar thrill of excitement, a job this big would send him straight to the top of the Leaderboard and keep him there for a good long time.

As he turned in the direction of the door, he walked straight into Park Chanyeol who he hadn’t realised was standing behind him.

“Are you going to try for this?” asked Chanyeol immediately.

“Nah, of course not,” he lied casually. “You?” he asked, trying to sound merely politely interested.

“No,” said Chanyeol nonchalantly, but the burning light of excitement showed plainly in his large eager eyes. “It’s not worth it going all the way out to Xena5.”

Xena5 was in the dangerous outreaches of the galaxy, a lawless desolate area known mostly for harbouring fugitives and the bounty hunters who sought them.

He knew the location wasn’t going to stop Chanyeol going for this job any more than it would stop him. His tiny rental craft’s one advantage in this was that it would be of absolutely no interest to hijackers.

“Then why did you get up?” he asked, just to hear what ridiculous lie Chanyeol would come up with.

“I’m…just going to the bathroom,” replied Chanyeol, but his eyes flicked towards the front door.

“Me too.”

They eyed each other and walked slowly towards the bathroom waiting for the other to give up the act. They had reached the door when Chanyeol suddenly shoved Baekhyun, pushing him against the door so he fell into the bathroom.

Baekhyun staggered, ricocheting off the sink before regaining his footing and running back out into the restaurant. That bastard Chanyeol was already nowhere in sight.

Baekhyun ran for the front door but hesitated and doubled back to their booth. He’d already lost the lead he might as well grab the lobster.

To his annoyance, Chanyeol’s plate was empty, either he’d taken it with him, or it had been commandeered by the inhabitant of the next booth who was determinedly chewing and purposefully not looking at him. He was about to turn away when he noticed something black and slightly shiny on the side Chanyeol had been sitting. He stooped and picked up Chanyeol’s leather jacket with a smile. It was a little large of course, but he didn’t mind baggy clothes. He grabbed his remaining crabs with his other hand and collected his gun impatiently on the way out.

He scanned the front parking lot, but Chanyeol’s spacecraft, which had the ridiculous name ‘Star Fury’ and was recognisable by its unusually large rear fins was nowhere to be seen. Breaking into a run, he darted around the back of the restaurant and opened the door of his rental craft.

The swamp monster was lounging in the back and looked up enquiringly as Baekhyun panting hard, jumped in and slammed the door. He tossed the crabs in the back and started up the ship, which seemed reluctant to power up at all.

“Those are for you,” he called into the back.

The monster squelched indignantly.

“I know I said that, but he didn’t buy me any lobster! You’ll just have to make do with the crabs.”

It squelched again.

“What? Oh, stop grumbling. My hands are clean, alright? and there weren’t any more napkins!” shot back Baekhyun, hastily uploading the coordinates from his goggles to the craft’s ancient navigation system. “I’m surprised someone who wallows about in a swamp all day could be such a stickler for hygiene.”

The monster made unpalatable slurping and crunching noises as it gobbled down the crabs while Baekhyun dithered, moving his hands imploringly at the slowly increasing upload bar. “C’mon, c’mon.” If he had his own craft, he’d have been well on his way by now.

Finally, the navigation route loaded, and he launched the reluctant ship. He cranked the throttle up to full power and they flew away from Pluto at a speed which was frankly unimpressive. He’d never actually been out Xena5 way before and after 45 minutes of flying it was finally dawning on him just how far away it was. He checked the estimated time to their destination.

“5 hours?!” he exclaimed out loud. “Shit.”

The Relentless had a hyperjump button for long journeys, but the mechanic had warned him against using it given the age of the rental craft. Baekhyun bit his lip. Even with the throttle on full blast, they were not making good time. Knowing Chanyeol he had probably hyperjumped the second he left the parking lot. At the rate The Relentless was going Chanyeol would probably have captured the Giant Lightning Eagle and collected his reward before Baekhyun even arrived.

His finger hesitated over the large red hyperjump button then pressed it hard.

It fell off.

He gasped as it rolled away under his feet somewhere.

“Shit!” he exclaimed, glancing out the front windshield, he already had the autopilot on which should detect any large obstacles but his experiences with this ancient craft made him wary of relying on it. The area of space ahead was clear though and he needed that stupid button. He took his eyes off the view and put his head under the front dashboard, groping around under the seat. He ended up having to climb right over to the corner of the passenger side before his fingers finally made contact with the smooth round cylinder. He had just jumped up triumphantly the button held aloft when he caught sight of the huge piece of space debris floating in front of them, directly in their flight path. Before he could dive for the steering wheel, the swamp monster reached over with a hand or a foot, Baekhyun wasn’t sure which, and spun it hard to the left diverting the craft around the debris.

“Thanks,” said Baekhyun a little shakily, climbing back into his seat.

The swamp monster shrugged languorously and kept steering.

Baekhyun attempted to reattach the hyperjump button, eventually settling for just holding it in place and ramming his other hand down hard on top of it. The Relentless shook violently, small flashes of light popped in front of Baekhyun’s vision as he was thrown back hard against his seat, the swamp monster clinging desperately onto the back of the passenger seat with 2 slimy appendages. 

Looking through the windscreen Baekhyun couldn’t make out anything discernible in the blur and his jaw ached from the constant vibrations of the struggling spacecraft. After 15 minutes, there was a small pop and The Relentless spun out suddenly. Baekhyun grabbed the steering wheel and hit the brakes levelling the spacecraft out as best he could while peering through the windscreen at an unfamiliar area of space. It was unusually dark, the craft’s front lights cut eerie strips of brightness in the dusty space ahead, briefly catching on and illuminating the alarming amount of space debris floating by. No more autopilot, he would need to navigate carefully to avoid colliding with anything. 

He glanced at the navigation route, but it was taking its time recalculating. He was hesitant to keep flying without seeing where they were. After a few minutes, the route showed they would reach their destination in 10 minutes if they kept flying straight.

Baekhyun punched the air, the hyperjump on his own spaceship would have gotten then closer and without causing the headache he now had but this was still better than nothing. He pressed down the throttle and they flew on deftly swerving to avoid the floating debris.

“Hey what’s your name?” Baekhyun asked as the swamp monster sank heavily into the passenger seat next to him. “I’m Baekhyun.”

The swamp monster gave a particularly guttural squelch.

Baekhyun hesitated. “Yeah, I don’t think my throat can do that,” he said, “How about I just call you Squelchy?”

Squelchy squelched his consent.

“Ok so here's the thing, I know I’m supposed to take you to Mars, but this job came up and if I get it then it’ll make the money I’d get for you look like pocket change. So, if you just wait quietly in the craft for me while I do this then I promise I’ll drop you off anywhere you like, I don’t think it’s a good idea to go back to your swamp if the owner is paying people to hunt you.”

Squelchy clearly didn’t need convincing he started nodding his head vigorously, small flecks of slime flew off and landed on the dashboard. 

“Ok, stop agreeing,” said Baekhyun quickly, shielding his face from the flying slime with his hands. “I don’t want to get charged for cleaning this contraption when I return it.”

He peered down through the side window as they got closer to their destination. The planet was not what he’d expected, he'd been on a few of these smaller oxygen atmosphere planets before and they were usually dry and rocky places. With the exception of the large clearing where the coordinates directed him to land this one was apparently covered with dense deep green foliage. He frowned, there was another craft already parked in the clearing and it looked a lot like the Star Fury. 

He landed the craft as gently as was possible with the ancient landing gears. 

“Alright you stay here and mind the ship, and if any scrap metal scavengers come along, try to convince them this thing still runs.”

Baekhyun slipped his gun into its holster and attached a newly recharged pair of electric restraints to his wrist. 

The hatch of the spacecraft opened and Baekhyun was immediately hit with a gust of surprisingly warm air, which was unpleasantly moist and humid on his skin. It was heavy with the lush smell of the jungle but looking around at the deep green wilderness surrounding the clearing, Baekhyun had the unsettling feeling that it was unnatural somehow. He wondered if the family living here was altering the atmosphere in some way to create better growing conditions. In the distance, he spotted a rocky outcrop and a small mountain beyond, but he couldn’t make out much more through the verdant thickness of the vegetation.

There didn’t seem to be anyone in sight. He hoped the family hadn’t already met with Chanyeol and given him the job. He noticed a metal post stuck in the ground nearby and was just approaching it when Chanyeol appeared from around the side of the Star Fury.

He took one look at Baekhyun’s spacecraft and burst out laughing.

“What is that?!”

“My spacecraft, of course,” said Baekhyun, trying to make his answer sound as dismissive as possible.

“Where’s the rest of it?” laughed Chanyeol.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” replied Baekhyun. “It’s the same size as usual. It just looks smaller because it’s so far off in the distance.”

“It’s right here!” exclaimed Chanyeol, stepping forward and smacking the side of the spacecraft which rocked alarmingly.

“Alright, fine,” Baekhyun admitted begrudgingly, holding the side of The Relentless to try and stop it tipping over. “It’s the only rental they had left! Mine’s getting repairs.”

“How are you even going to fit a Giant Lightning eagle in there anyway?”

“It’ll squeeze in the back. Squelchy can sit up front with me,” said Baekhyun. Though he wasn’t 100% convinced this would work. He had never actually caught a Giant Lightning eagle before, but the name suggested it was going to be big.

“Squelchy?” repeated Chanyeol questioningly.

“The swamp monster.”

“You’ve still got that bloody swamp monster?!”

Baekhyun almost admitted he didn’t have time to drop him off because he’d been hurrying to get to this job, but he didn’t want Chanyeol to know that, so he said primly, “I enjoy his company.”

Chanyeol stared in disbelief. “Feel at home with disgusting swamp creatures, do you? Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“I think it only shows the level of company I usually have to endure that conversing with a creature that’s mostly fermented swamp mud is such a blessed relief.”

He was trying to inch towards the post now without alerting Chanyeol that it was his goal. He could see something on the ground next to it now partially covered in gravel which he suspected was a sign that had fallen off, based on the small section of projection code visible.

“You know you just implied I’m the only person you actually speak to?” replied Chanyeol. 

“Only because I can’t get rid of you!” Baekhyun exclaimed. Before Chanyeol could retort he dove forward, grabbed up the sign and ran away around the side of the Star Fury. 

“Oh stop being so dramatic. I’ve seen it already.”

Feeling slightly deflated Baekhyun came back around to where Chanyeol was standing but only because he wanted to keep an eye on him while he saw what the code displayed. 

He lowered his goggles and was about to scan the code when Chanyeol snatched it from his hand. 

“Thanks!” called Chanyeol, as he ran off towards the leafy edge of the clearing. “I actually didn’t spot it before.”

Baekhyun took off after him, his boots skidding noisily on the gravelly ground. 

Chanyeol scanned the code as he ran, slowing down enough as the projection started that Baekhyun managed to catch up. He tore the sign from his hands and quickly scanned the code with his own goggles. 

A pale-faced young man appeared and announced, “The beast’s nest is on the mountain directly to the north of the clearing. Once the beast has been captured, subdued, and secured, use the flare to notify the family and claim your 10000 eGem reward.”

The projection faded. 

“Was that the same guy from the job listing?” asked Baekhyun, pulling his goggles down. 

“Yeah, why?”

“I just thought he looked different,” said Baekhyun with a frown. There was something different about the face this time. 

“Your goggles probably have swamp on them,” said Chanyeol dismissively. 

Baekhyun thought this was actually quite likely.

“Hold on,” said Baekhyun, “I didn’t lock my ship.”

“Trust me no one wants to steal that!” Chanyeol called after him. 

But Baekhyun ignored him and pretended to run back to The Relentless. 

On top of the signpost was a very small round cylinder which Baekhyun knew was a pocket flare that would send up bright sparks if activated. 

“Wait…why the hell am I waiting for you?!” exclaimed Chanyeol and he headed around the edge of the clearing.

Baekhyun rested his hand momentarily on the top of the post as he passed, then slipped the tiny flare up into his sleeve. He smiled to himself as he ran back to the edge of the clearing. Even if by some chance Chanyeol caught the Lightning eagle first, he’d still be the one to notify the family. 

Chanyeol had already found and entered an overgrown path through the jungle that looked to be heading in the direction of the mountain, Baekhyun ran after him to catch up. 

“Stop following me,” said Chanyeol, glancing behind him, he kept having to duck and weave to avoid the overhead branches and stop every few paces to push anything growing across the path out of the way. 

“What do you want me to do swing through the trees? This is the only path,” replied Baekhyun. He was having quite an easy time of it by following immediately behind Chanyeol and keeping his head low. 

“Don’t you think it’s odd that we haven’t seen a single member of the family who is meant to live here?” asked Chanyeol suddenly, without stopping his slow progress. 

“No,” replied Baekhyun, just to be contrary. “They left that projection for us. They’re probably hiding, I mean there is a giant lightning eagle on the loose.”

“It’s hardly “on the loose”,” said Chanyeol dismissively. “I’ve been here 45 minutes and I haven’t heard or seen it once.”

“45 minutes?” asked Baekhyun, stopping. If Chanyeol had been there for 45 minutes, why hadn’t he used that lead to track down and capture the beast?

Chanyeol paused. “No, I said 4 to 5 minutes!” he insisted after a second, looking away, the side of one burning cheek all Baekhyun could see. “I just think it’s odd the family didn’t come out when they saw us,” he continued quickly.

“They might have been scared,” said Baekhyun confidently, puffing his chest out, “I’ve been told I have a very threatening aura.”

Chanyeol’s raucous laughter seemed to ricochet off the trees and the mountain ahead, he doubled over with the force of it. 

“Stop that!” hissed Baekhyun. He looked around quickly. “You’ll let it know we’re here!”

“Threatening aura,” repeated Chanyeol under his breath, he pressed his hand to his mouth as renewed laughter burst out. 

Baekhyun shoved him hard in the small of his back. 

“I can’t believe of all the monster hunters in the universe I'm stuck with you yet again. Surely the universe is big enough that you don’t have to be following me all the time?!”

“Following you? I got here first and I am literally walking in front of you right now,” said Chanyeol, gesticulating to the path in front of him.

“I’m only behind you for tactical reasons. It’ll be easier to capture the lightning eagle if it’s sluggish while digesting your huge body!”

“So, we agree you’re barely an appetiser and I'm a whole main course?” asked Chanyeol, and Baekhyun could hear the self-satisfied smirk in his voice. 

“Are you calling me a snack?” Baekhyun asked innocently.

“No,” refuted Chanyeol firmly. “I’m calling you an hors d'oeuvre because you’re tiny, pretentious and no one likes you.”

“You clearly go to the wrong restaurants.”

“We go to the same damn restaurant!”

“I only go there because the coordinates are saved in my ship's GPS so it’s just easier when I'm tired from all the monsters I catch,” said Baekhyun loftily. 

“It was nice of the mechanic to add the coordinates to that rental craft for you then.”

“What’s that?” said Baekhyun pushing Chanyeol to the side and pointing ahead at the base of the mountain.

“Nothing, you're just trying to distract me because I caught you lying!”

Baekhyun definitely was trying to distract him but he also thought he saw something. 

“No seriously, is that a cave?” he said, moving forward and shifting the branches of a large scrub to reveal a craggy hole in the side of the mountain big enough for them to walk into. 

Chanyeol stepped in close behind him peering into the cave and looking up at the ceiling and walls. “It looks pretty safe. Do you reckon the nest is in here?”

“One way to find out,” said Baekhyun, slipping his goggles down over his eyes and activating his night vision, he walked boldly into the cave.

Slowly they moved forward through the darkness, careful not to lose their footing and looking around warily at all the nooks and crannies. The cave felt pleasantly cool after the warm humid air outside, but it smelled slightly musty and damp. 

“How much do you know about giant lightning eagles?” asked Chanyeol quietly while still looking around. 

“Enough to catch one.”

“So, have you thought about how you’ll deal with the heads?”

“I’m sorry? _Heads_ with an s?!” spluttered Baekhyun, he stopped and rounded on Chanyeol. 

“Yes.”

“As in the plural of head?!”

“Yes!”

“You’re fucking with me.”

“I’m not, I've seen a picture of one. It definitely had 2 heads,” said Chanyeol. 

Baekhyun raked his hair back with his fingers. 2 headed beasts were always tricky to deal with since they usually also had twice the normal number of mouths to avoid.

“The picture I saw was an ad,” continued Chanyeol, looking at Baekhyun meaningfully. 

“What do you mean an ad?”

“I mean someone was selling a giant lightning eagle.”

“Who on earth would buy that?”

“Well, not someone on earth obviously,” said Chanyeol.

Baekhyun rolled his eyes.

“Someone living somewhere with no primary source of power,” Chanyeol continued. “The ‘lightning’ in the name isn’t metaphorical.”

Baekhyun licked his lips absentmindedly and considered this.

“How much was it selling for?” he asked, trying and failing to keep the note of eagerness out of his voice.

Chanyeol smiled. “What would you say if I told you it sold for 15000 eGems?”

“I’d say why the hell are you telling me this? You’re just giving me a pretty solid motive for murdering you and stuffing your dead body somewhere in this cave to make sure you don’t get that lightning eagle!”

Chanyeol laughed. “10000 + 15000 divided by 2 is still a hell of a lot of eGems,” he said.

“Did you phrase it like that because you can’t do the maths?”

“Hey, I didn’t need to tell you this,” pointed out Chanyeol. “I could have stunned you and locked you up in your little tin can back there as soon as you arrived. But…” He left the word hanging.

“But?” Baekhyun repeated. 

“These things are meant to be really hard to catch. If we work together on this, we have a much better chance and 12500 eGems is pretty decent for a day’s work.”

“All that talking was literally just you stalling while you did that maths, wasn’t it?”

“What I'm taking from this is that you can find no other possible flaws in me to make fun of other than my maths skills. Why not just tell me you think I’m hot and get it over with?” 

“Are you serious?” asked Baekhyun. “Everyone looks vaguely hot through these things.” He pointed at the slime filmed lens of his goggles. “I saw a hole in the cave wall back there that I’d fuck over you.”

"Do you think you can resist the manifold attractions of cold slimy rock formations long enough for us to catch this thing together?”

Baekhyun considered this. “Alright, but I want an 80/20 split of the eGems. I think the split should be based on size,” he said at last. 

“If we're basing it on size then I'll get 99% of the eGems!” exclaimed Chanyeol. 

“Not height,” said Baekhyun sardonically, “Size!” He let his eyes flick suggestively to Chanyeol's crotch.

Chanyeol coloured but retained enough of his composure to say loftily, “My former statement still stands, I’d get 99%.”

“Are you forgetting that I've actually seen it?” teased Baekhyun, and he was sure Chanyeol was remembering that All-You-Can-Drink-Saturn-Sangria-Saturday at EXOplanet too.

“It was dark,” said Chanyeol.

“It was a well-lit bathroom!”

“Well, then you mustn't have been looking very closely!” Chanyeol said defensively. 

“If you have to look closely then it isn't that big!” replied Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol gasped out, “You take that back!” and staggering dramatically he collided with the side of the cave wall. 

There was a crunching noise and a small shower of broken rock pieces rained down from above him.

“Watch out! You’ll bring the whole cave down!” yelled Baekhyun.

Then suddenly from deeper in the cave came another sound.

“It’s going to cave in!” exclaimed Baekhyun, turning back the way they’d come but Chanyeol grabbed his arm and held him in place.

“No, it’s something else. Shh listen,” whispered Chanyeol. 

The noise came again this time it was unmistakably a scratching sound, like clawed feet on hard stone. 

“You woke it up,” hissed Baekhyun.

“You’re the one who woke it up yelling your head off.” 

“Are we going to argue about it or catch it?” 

“Good point,” agreed Chanyeol. “What’s the plan?”

“We don’t want to hurt it too much if we’re going to sell it,” replied Baekhyun. “What have you got with you?”

Chanyeol unclipped a small cylinder which resembled a joystick from his belt and held it up. “Stunning net,” he said simply.

“I’ve got electric restraints, but they mightn’t be strong enough for something this big,” he admitted. “How about you launch the net up there,” he said pointing at a patch of the ceiling in front of where a large rock jutted out, “and then I’ll lure it around that bend and once it’s in range you release the net?”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Chanyeol, he took aim and there was a brief illumination of light as the net shot up and out of sight into the cave’s ceiling. He rested the trigger cylinder on the cave ledge in front of him ready to press it when needed. 

“Here we go,” said Baekhyun, taking a deep breath and walking further into the cave, ready to run back at any moment. He knew he had to be very careful to keep out of range of the bird’s talons and the net for that matter. He wouldn’t put it past Chanyeol to try and trap him in with the eagle. 

Before he’d even gotten around the corner a large shadow reared up on the wall next to him and he stumbled slightly quickly retreating a few steps back towards Chanyeol. 

The scratching sound grew closer and louder and then something appeared around the bend in the cave. 

Baekhyun stopped and stared, momentarily speechless. 

“Whoever named it the giant lightning eagle must have been even smaller than you!” exclaimed Chanyeol loudly, emerging from behind the rock. “Maybe the picture I saw was to scale?!”

The thing in front of them was small, slightly fluffy and looked completely disinterested in the 2 intruders as it pecked at the cave floor. 

“That’s not a lightning eagle! It’s a chicken!” yelled Baekhyun, finding his voice at last. 

“I don’t know, it does have 2 heads,” pointed out Chanyeol. 

“It’s two chickens stuck together,” said Baekhyun, bending down and examining it. “Look you can see the tape!”

“Why would anyone stick 2 chickens together?!”

“Because it’s a trap!” exclaimed Baekhyun, only realising it was true as the words left his mouth. He knew there had been something strange about this job. 

“Not a particularly good one, but I guess it worked,” said a voice from behind him. 

“Run!” Baekhyun yelled at Chanyeol but before he could get his gun out or run more than 2 paces a white bolt of pain hit him in the small of the back. He fell face forward on the hard cave floor.

When Baekhyun woke up the first thing he was aware of was being extremely uncomfortable. He was lying in a heap on a cold stone floor. For a second he thought he was still in the cave, but it was lighter here even though his goggles were gone, and the floor was covered in dirty straw. He sat up, feeling his sore jaw with his hands. His face felt exactly as he expected it would after landing on it so heavily. Gingerly he touched his back where he’d been shot but there was no wound, the gun had clearly only been set to stun. He performed a quick and futile pat-down taking in what he had already suspected, his weapons had all been removed. He stuffed his right hand into the thick sleeve of his shirt and found the small cylinder he had secreted there earlier. Smiling, he slipped it into the back pocket of his pants. He wasn’t sure what good it would be, but he felt happy at least knowing he had something to work with. He turned his attention to his surroundings for the first time, he was in a cell with metal bars which were covered with a rough-looking hessian fabric so he couldn’t see through them. Chanyeol was nowhere in sight. He was completely alone in the cell. 

“Chanyeol?” he called quietly. There was no reply. He bit his lip. Someone had put him in this cell and he didn’t want to risk attracting their attention. 

He waited a minute, but nothing happened. “Chanyeol?” he said again a little louder. This time he heard a scrabbling sound nearby. 

“Baekhyun?!” came a low voice from somewhere beyond the cell.

“I’m locked in a cell of some sort where are you?”

“Me too, there's stuff on the walls. I can't see through it.”

Baekhyun jumped up and walked around the entire cell feeling the walls, he found the door, also covered in hessian but there was a small tear which he peered through. Outside the cell was a sort of laboratory, he felt a shiver run down his spine at the sight of some of the alarming looking equipment and restraints. He was pretty sure they were underground based on the rough stone walls. He kept going around the cell, he realised 2 sides had rough hewn stone walls behind the bars, 2 didn’t. He felt along the non-stone wall perpendicular to the one with the door and in the corner found another tear in the hessian, he squeezed his hand through and felt the bars on either side. His breath catching in his throat, he felt one of the bars give way when he twisted it hard. Feeling the gap between the bars he was pretty sure he could squeeze through. 

“Chanyeol. I’ve found a way out. I’ll let you out soon!” he called, then tore the hessian further and with considerable effort wriggled his way through the bars. He dropped through to the other side, onto an equally hard stone floor then sat up panting. 

He looked around, the cell he was in now was identical to the one he’d just been in. 

Chanyeol sat up from where he’d been lying on a small camp bed in the corner. 

“Am I the only one seeing the teeny tiny problem with your escape plan?” 

“Well at least I’m trying to escape not just lying around!” replied Baekhyun defensively, getting to his feet and dusting more straw off his leather pants. 

“I already checked the whole cell while you were still in there, snoring away,” he said pointing at the wall which separated their 2 cells. “That wall and that wall are stone, that one is your cell and that one leads to some sort of,” he said pointing at the front of the cell, “...I don’t even want to know.”

“Yeah, I already looked,” said Baekhyun, not wanting to think about what he’d seen. “I think I better have a look around though, you clearly didn’t search very well, or you’d have found the hole I just came through.”

“I did find it, but I thought it was only big enough for a rat to get through. And I guess I was right!”

“At least if I find another gap in the bars, I’ll be able to get out, you and your big head will be stuck in here,” replied Baekhyun. He went around the whole cell testing the bars and looking for more tears in the hessian. 

Chanyeol remained sitting on the bare bed, watching him disinterestedly. 

"Well, you could at least tell me what they looked like," prompted Baekhyun as he searched.

"Who?"

"Whoever put us in here, of course."

"Oh, I don't know I didn't see him. I got stunned right after you did."

"From behind?"

"No, in front."

"Then you must have seen them, they'd have been right in front of you,” pointed out Baekhyun. 

"I didn't. I was looking at yo--," he broke off suddenly. "The chicken," he said cagily. "Because it bit me."

"Well, I'm sure you deserved it."

When Baekhyun had finished searching without finding anything useful, a thought suddenly occurred to him and he rested his face against the rough hessian in despair. 

“I told you it’s no good,” said Chanyeol. “We’re stuck here.”

“It’s not that, I just realised if all that lightning eagle stuff was just a trap then we're not getting paid!” exclaimed Baekhyun, pushing at the wall roughly to vent his frustration. He could have really used those eGems. 

“I can't believe you are worried about that at a time like this. You realise we’re going to die here,” said Chanyeol morosely.

“We might not,” said Baekhyun with renewed optimism. “Whoever put us in here could easily have just killed us in the cave if that was their plan. He might just...experiment on us.”

“Oh, and that's better?”

“Depends on the experiments, I guess. I did some experimenting in college and a good time was had by all,” said Baekhyun smirking. 

“I bet none of those “experiments” involved restraints like that!” exclaimed Chanyeol, pointing a finger in the direction of the laboratory type room. 

“Oh, c’mon you’re telling me you’ve never been handcuffed to a bed before?”

“There’s a bit of a difference between being chained to a bed with fluffy handcuffs and being chained to some machine with leather restraints!”

“I never said ‘fluffy’ handcuffs,” pointed out Baekhyun, “Is that what you’re into, is it?” He raised an eyebrow playfully. 

Chanyeol looked away and scoffed. “There's no point listening to you. I’m trying to have a serious conversation about our imminent deaths and you’re talking about sex toys.”

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood.”

“You are minimising the situation,” said Chanyeol, and he rolled over on the bed to face the wall muttering, “Like always, you’re always minimising... _things_.”

“Minimising?” repeated Baekhyun, it wasn’t like Chanyeol to spout psychology terms. Then he stared in disbelief as realisation dawned on him. “I know what this is about! Are you seriously still upset that I said you have a small dick?!”

“Yes!” yelled Chanyeol sitting up suddenly. 

“At a time like this?! When we're about to die?!”

“Yes! And you just said we weren't going to die!"

“Oh, what do I know. He's probably going to torture us for days and then leave us to die in here with our wounds festering and our guts hanging out and--”

“Stop! Just stop!” interrupted Chanyeol holding up his hands in horror. “I liked it better when you were minimising. Let's talk about something else!”

“Ok,” agreed Baekhyun. “So, was it always that small or were you in an accident or something?”

“It's not small!” yelled Chanyeol.

“Alright, well there is only one way we're going to settle this,” said Baekhyun. “Go on, whip it out.”

“What? Here?!” asked Chanyeol horrified. 

“Yeah, C’mon. We're alone.”

“But,” said Chanyeol, looking around the dingy cell walls like he might find a good excuse there. “He might have cameras in here.”

“That's OK I'll block it from view,” said Baekhyun, leaning forward. “With my finger,” he added holding a pinkie finger over Chanyeol’s crotch and trying not to laugh.

Chanyeol pushed his hand away. “You are going to regret saying all this when you see it. It's very impressive!”

"Ok, so impress me,” said Baekhyun expectantly, looking down at Chanyeol’s lap.

“Well, I would, but I need to get ready...I'm a grower, not a shower,” he admitted reluctantly. 

“Isn't that convenient?” 

“No, really I am.”

“Alright, well take your time, it’s not like we’re got anything else to do besides waiting to be murdered,” said Baekhyun, sitting down on the bed next to him. 

“That’s really not helping,” said Chanyeol, who had closed his eyes and wriggled back on the bed, so his back was resting against the wall. 

Baekhyun watched him sitting still for a few minutes until his eyelids flew open suddenly.

“I can’t do it, I’m too distracted. I can’t think of anything sexy while I’m locked in an underground dungeon.”

“You really are more of the fluffy handcuff type, aren’t you? I bet they were hot pink too.”

“Shut up,” snapped Chanyeol. 

“Why? Am I turning you on?” 

“No!” denied Chanyeol. “Maybe…just a little. They were more of a pastel pink though.”

Baekhyun laughed. 

“Is there anything else I can do to help?” he offered lightly. 

Chanyeol glanced sideways at Baekhyun. “What have you got in mind?”

Baekhyun pulled his legs up onto the bed then swung one over Chanyeol’s lap, sitting heavily on his upper thighs. He grabbed the bottom of his own shirt and pulled it over his head. 

“That’s a bit more like it,” breathed Chanyeol, he ran his hands down Baekhyun's bare chest then encircled his waist pulling him in against him. 

Baekhyun leant in, letting his mouth get so close to Chanyeol’s he could feel the warmth of his breath then pulled back teasingly. 

Chanyeol followed, trying to close the gap, until Baekhyun couldn’t lean back anymore, then laughing Chanyeol murmured, “2 can play at that game,” as he straightened up.

“But i’m going to win,” teased Baekhyun and he grabbed Chanyeol’s face with both hands to hold him in place and kissed him firmly on the mouth. He felt Chanyeol smile into his lips before he opened his mouth deepening the kiss and letting his tongue flick at Baekhyun’s enticingly.

Baekhyun thought it was unsurprising, yet no less irritating that Chanyeol who was good at everything was also a very good kisser. He had a strange sense of déjà vu and then realised he had had that thought before. Suddenly a memory resurfaced of that drunken blur of a night, Chanyeol’s lips on his, their hands everywhere as he pushed him up against the bathroom wall at EXOplanet. 

“Ah, it's coming back to me,” said Baekhyun, as Chanyeol kissed his way slowly down the slender column of his throat.

“What is?” mumbled Chanyeol into his skin. 

“That Saturn Sangria Saturday.”

“What do you mean?” asked Chanyeol, prising his lips away and looking at Baekhyun. “I thought you remembered that night?”

“Nah, I was trashed, I barely remember anything.”

“Then how do you remember the size of my cock?!”

“I don’t,” laughed Baekhyun, “I was fucking with you!”

“What?!” yelled Chanyeol, shoving Baekhyun off him. “Why would you do that?!”

“Because your reaction was so funny,” exclaimed Baekhyun. “I honestly don’t even remember seeing it.”

“Well, you’re definitely not going to see it now!”

“Oh no, how will I ever live with the disappointment?!” said Baekhyun in mock horror, clutching his hands to his throat dramatically. 

“You won’t have to for long, since we’re going to die here!” yelled Chanyeol. “And get off my bed,” he added, kicking out at Baekhyun so he jumped off. 

“What makes you think I even want to see your tiny cock?” muttered Baekhyun.

“Ah, maybe that fact you’ve been trying to goad me into showing it to you for the last half hour?”

“Well, I just thought if we're going to die it might be nice to bang a hottie first,” replied Baekhyun. 

“So, you’re finally admitting that you think I’m hot?!” exclaimed Chanyeol a touch of his usual smugness returning. 

“I was talking about _me_!” exclaimed Baekhyun, tapping his own chest. “It might be nice for _you_ to bang a hottie like _me._ I was doing you a favour!”

“Well, do me another one and put your damn shirt back on!”

“No, I don't want to, I'm more comfortable like this," said Baekhyun stubbornly.

“Fine,” said Chanyeol and he picked up Baekhyun’s shirt and started scrounging around scooping up bits of straw from the floor.

“What are you doing?” asked Baekhyun watching as Chanyeol stuffed straw into the shirt and folded over the ends. “That’s my shirt!”

“It’s my pillow now,” said Chanyeol, throwing the makeshift pillow down onto the bed and lying down. 

“Give it back!”

“Why? You said you were more comfortable like that.”

“Well, I was when I thought it was annoying you, but now I'm cold,” admitted Baekhyun, hugging his arms around himself. 

“Too bad,” said Chanyeol, rolling over to face the wall.

“We could play for it?” suggested Baekhyun. 

“Why would I agree to that?” asked Chanyeol, sounding bored. 

“Because you’re an overly competitive bastard who can’t say no to a challenge,” muttered Baekhyun. 

“What did you say?”

“Nothing,” lied Baekhyun quickly. 

Chanyeol glanced over his shoulder at him suspiciously, then asked, “What would we play?” He still sounded irritable but Baekhyun caught that merest glimmer of interest in his eyes now.

“Rock, paper, scissors?”

“No, I’m bad at that,” said Chanyeol. “How about palm pushing?”

“Ok,” said Baekhyun, banking on the fact he was fast and had good balance, Chanyeol definitely had the size advantage but he wasn’t going to tell him that. “But if I win, I get my shirt back and your shirt too!”

“Alright, but if I win, I get to keep your shirt and I get your pants,” countered Chanyeol.

“What do you want my pants for?!”

“To use as a blanket, it’s cold in here,” replied Chanyeol as he stood up and approached Baekhyun.

Now he was standing up and in front of him, Baekhyun wasn’t sure he’d made the right choice. 

“If you’re worried, we could switch to rock, paper, scissors,” he said hopefully with false bravado. 

“What do I have to be worried about?” asked Chanyeol, positioning himself in front of Baekhyun with his palms out. “You agreed to palm pushing, so we’re playing palm pushing.”

Reluctantly Baekhyun raised his own hands.

“Ok go!” said Chanyeol.

They flailed around for a bit managing to avoid each other's palms and falling over. Then Baekhyun pushed forward suddenly slapping his hands against Chanyeol’s in an attempt to unbalance him, it was like hitting a wall, Baekhyun ricocheted off and staggered backwards. He was falling. He windmilled his arms desperately for a second simultaneously bracing for the moment when he would hit the hard floor when Chanyeol reached out quickly grabbing him around the waist. He pulled him upright and Baekhyun stumbled, collapsing against him with a gasp of surprise. He leant into him; his face pressed into Chanyeol’s warm chest breathing him in while his heart still raced. Chanyeol’s arms still held him tightly and he shifted his grip a little, one of his large hands caressing Baekhyun's bare lower back. A shudder seemed to run down Baekhyun’s whole body and Chanyeol made a low sound of satisfaction in his throat. 

Baekhyun pulled back awkwardly. “That doesn’t count,” he said, trying to cover his embarrassment. “You interfered!”

“I caught you to stop you falling on your ass, that’s not interfering!” replied Chanyeol, releasing him roughly. 

“Best 2 out of 3?” Baekhyun suggested hopefully. 

“Why would I agree to that now when I've already won? Pants off, Byun!”

“You really like this, don’t you? This was probably your plan all along,” exclaimed Baekhyun a little wildly. 

Chanyeol rolled his eyes. “Yes, I purposefully planned to get kidnapped and locked in a dungeon just so I could beat you at a silly game and take your pants. Oh no, you’ve found out my wicked plan,” he said blandly. 

“I knew it!”

“Stop stalling and hand them over,” said Chanyeol, holding out an expectant hand. 

Grumbling audibly Baekhyun unzipped his black leather pants and with effort managed to wriggle them down to his knees. He quickly ran into an issue. The tight pants were bunching up and unable to get over the top of his boots. He tried to remove his right boot and stumbled awkwardly, his pants still partly down. 

“You’ve never looked sexier,” observed Chanyeol dryly. 

“Shut up and help me,” ordered Baekhyun.

To his surprise, Chanyeol bent down and untied his boots for him, while Baekhyun held his shoulder for support. Chanyeol pulled off the left boot first then started on the right. Baekhyun was slightly touched by how gently Chanyeol was holding his leg up till Chanyeol took advantage of his position to very obviously peer around Baekhyun’s boxer-clad butt. 

“Stop looking at my butt!” exclaimed Baekhyun, he shook his right leg free of Chanyeol’s grip and yanked the boot off himself. 

“Galaxy's best monster hunter?!” snorted Chanyeol, still leaning around him and trying to read the back of Baekhyun’s boxer briefs. “What have they got on them?”

“Space Monsters. My mum bought them for me,” replied Baekhyun defensively. 

“Doesn’t mean you have to wear them,” pointed out Chanyeol, getting to his feet. 

“Well, I wasn't expecting anyone to see them.”

“It’s a Friday night, that’s a pretty sad indictment of your sex life.”

“It probably isn’t Friday night anymore,” said Baekhyun, trying to steer the conversation away from his underwear. “How long do you think we were knocked out for?”

“No way of knowing,” replied Chanyeol, looking around once more at the windowless cell. “I reckon we’re underground. Now stop stalling and give me your pants!”

Baekhyun sighed, pulled them off and threw them at Chanyeol who caught them deftly. 

“They’re warm,” he said, patting them distastefully.

“What do you expect when I’m so hot,” said Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol stared at him for a second then exclaimed laughingly, “I can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing those boxers!”

“So, now you’re trying to get me to take off my underwear too?!”

“What’s underneath is probably even funnier,” said Chanyeol

“Hey!” exclaimed Baekhyun. “That’s a little low.”

“You’ve literally just spent the last hour making fun of my cock!” pointed out Chanyeol. 

“Well, it was funny when it was about you," replied Baekhyun, offended. 

Chanyeol ignored him and went back over to the bed laying back down and covering himself as best he could with Baekhyun’s leather pants. 

Baekhyun watched him for a minute then clambered over him settling down between Chanyeol and the wall. The bed was hard and uncomfortable and Chanyeol was hogging the makeshift pillow. 

“At least scooch over and let me share the pillow.”

Chanyeol didn’t respond so Baekhyun pulled at the pillow succeeding in freeing up a small corner. Unfortunately, a decorative metal buckle was poking him in the face. 

“You gave me the bit with the buckle!” exclaimed Baekhyun.

“I didn’t give you anything! And really I think it’s your fault anyway for even owning a top covered in buckles!”

“Well, I’m sorry, when I choose my clothes, I don't factor in whether or not they’ll be comfortable soft furnishings. I choose them for practicality.”

“Practicality? And exactly what purpose does this weird strap and buckle thing serve,” asked Chanyeol, rolling over to face him and holding up a leather strap. 

“It makes me look cool!” exclaimed Baekhyun. “Anyway, you’re lucky we don’t have to use your clothes, there wouldn’t be enough fabric to even make a pillow!”

“Are you really bringing up the skimpiness of my clothes while you’re wearing about 10 square cm’s of fabric?!”

“You’re the one who took off my clothes!”

“No, you took your own shirt off freely and willingly, no one wanted you to!”

“I seem to recall you being pretty happy about it at the time.”

“ _You_ seem to recall?” asked Chanyeol exaggeratedly. “ _You?_ You have the memory of a tiny little mosquito. You can’t recall anything and you’re twice as annoying!”

“Oh, this is still about your cock, isn’t it?” exclaimed Baekhyun sitting up. 

“I can’t believe you don’t remember it!” yelled Chanyeol also sitting up and brandishing the pillow like he might hit Baekhyun with it. 

“Well, do you remember mine?” asked Baekhyun, eying the pillow warily. He was pretty sure it would hurt to get hit with one of those buckles. 

“No, but I'm sure yours isn’t very memorable, mine is!”

“Have you ever thought that if neither of us remembers then maybe nothing much actually happened?” said Baekhyun slowly.

Chanyeol opened his mouth to argue then paused to consider. “So, you’re saying you don’t remember my extremely memorable cock because you never saw it?”

“Yeah.”

“And I don’t remember yours because it’s tiny and unmemorable?”

“No! Because you never saw it either!”

“Maybe,” conceded Chanyeol, lowering the pillow. “I mean that does make more sense than you just forgetting.”

“Can I have a bit of the pillow without straps and bits then?” asked Baekhyun hopefully. 

“Yes,” conceded Chanyeol, he manipulated the bunched-up shirt so that the sleeves covered the buckles and placed it back on the bed. 

Baekhyun lay his head down on it gratefully while Chanyeol stayed sitting up and silent for a minute. He wriggled down the bed suddenly and looked interestedly at Baekhyun’s boxers. 

“That’s a Flameling,” he said pointing at one of the cartoon monsters. “Did I ever tell you about the time I caught a—”

“Do I really have to endure another lecture on the 1001 magnificent monster captures by Park Chanyeol before I die?” interrupted Baekhyun. 

“Yes, shut up and listen. So, I was on Mercury hunting a Gray Howler and,” began Chanyeol. 

“I know this one,” Baekhyun replied, rolling his eyes. “Wait a minute! I know it because it’s my story! I told it to you about 6 months ago! How dare you steal my stories!”

“Well, you stole it from that old monster hunter Junmyeon at EXOplanet!”

Baekhyun was about to protest then he remembered he had in fact stolen the story from Junmyeon. “Oh yeah, I did too. It’s a good story though.”

“Is it just me or are the old stories better?”

“Yeah, Monster hunting is more dangerous now, but the rewards are getting smaller and smaller.” 

“Yeah,” agreed Chanyeol. “I was thinking...maybe…if we actually get through this alive,” he said haltingly. “Maybe... we could do some jobs...together?”

“What?” asked Baekhyun in surprise. 

“I just think we sort of work well together. I mean we did a pretty good job working together to fight the lightning eagle,” explained Chanyeol, looking embarrassed.

“It was a small chicken,” pointed out Baekhyun. 

“To be fair it was 2 slightly larger than average chickens.”

Baekhyun laughed. “If we worked together, I guess we could take on some bigger better paid jobs,” he said thoughtfully.

“Exactly.”

“Alright, if we get out of here alive, I’ll consider it,” he said, trying not to sound too eager. In truth, he really liked the idea of working with Chanyeol. It would be nice to have someone to have his back while monster hunting and they could pool their weapons and equipment. 

“And I guess if we work together and we find ourselves in imminent danger it would be nice to have a hottie nearby to bang before the end,” said Chanyeol with a teasing grin. 

Baekhyun laughed. 

“Gnashing Ghozul,” said Chanyeol. 

“What did you call me?!"

“No, right there,” said Chanyeol, poking a cartoon monster on Baekhyun’s hip. “It’s a Gnashing Ghozul. I’ve never caught one, but I’ve seen pictures of it.”

He kept looking at the cartoon monsters, while Baekhyun lay back and watched him.

“What’s this one? The fabrics all stretched,” Chanyeol said, prodding at it trying to see the picture more clearly. “Ah, it’s a Crukket.”

“You could at least call me pretty or something first if you’re going to fondle my testicles,” said Baekhyun archly. 

“Oh sorry,” exclaimed Chanyeol.

“And yet you’re still touching them,” observed Baekhyun. 

“I know. But well, I did just call you hot,” said Chanyeol, giving him a winning smile. He made no attempt to move his hand away.

“In a very roundabout way!”

“Fine, I...um...I think you’re kind of...pretty,” admitted Chanyeol. 

“I’m sorry which part of that lukewarm sentiment is meant to make me drop my boxer briefs?”

Chanyeol laughed. “Alright, I think you’re gorgeous, you know I do. You drive me crazy.”

“Ok, I’ll accept that,” said Baekhyun composedly, pursing his lips slightly to keep from smiling. 

“Got anything you’d like to say to me?” asked Chanyeol, raising an eyebrow. 

Baekhyun took a deep breath. “No, not particularly.”

Chanyeol withdrew his hand.

“Oh, don’t be like that!” said Baekhyun. “I’m teasing you. I love teasing you more than anyone else because you're very sexy when you're annoyed. How’s that for a confession?”

“Terrible,” replied Chanyeol but he was still smiling. “You know, I’ve heard Crukkets taste quite good.” He opened his mouth and leaned towards Baekhyun’s boxer briefs. 

‘No!” shrieked Baekhyun laughing as he tried to wriggle away. Chanyeol grabbed him and pulled him in close. His lips brushed Baekhyun’s. Their mouths met and they were kissing.

“You know I don’t actually object to you tasting them, right?” Baekhyun managed to gasp out between frantic kisses. 

“Do you ever shut up?” 

“Maybe you could try putting something in my mouth?” suggested Baekhyun excitedly. 

Chanyeol laughed. Baekhyun managed to take one desperate gulp of air before Chanyeol forcibly tilted his jaw with his large hands and kissed him deeply.

“I wasn’t actually talking about your tongue,” gasped Baekhyun, but he reciprocated with enthusiasm and the kiss grew more feverish and impassioned by the second. He’d finally found something more enjoyable than annoying Park Chanyeol.

Baekhyun pushed him down on the bed and clambered over him, one hand up his tank top the other in his hair, letting Chanyeol recapture his mouth in another dizzying kiss. Chanyeol groaned into his lips when he rubbed against him. Baekhyun slid a hand down to move teasingly over the bulge in Chanyeol’s pants. 

“You were right, it’s actually quite impressive. Are you sure that’s not 2 cocks taped together?” he teased.

Chanyeol laughed. “You caught me,” he said, sitting up slightly and pulling Baekhyun back down on top of him. 

To Baekhyun’s delight, Chanyeol gripped his butt with his large hands while raising his hips to rub against him tantalisingly. Baekhyun buried his face in Chanyeol’s neck, his hair tickling his lips as he moaned. 

“Do you reckon I could fit in there?” Chanyeol asked suddenly.

Baekhyun looked up immediately. “Of course, if we can find something to use as lube,” he said enthusiastically. 

“No, in _there_ ,” said Chanyeol, pointing at the ceiling. Baekhyun rolled over to look up at an air duct that went the length of the ceiling and had a square metal vent built into it. 

“Same answer,” said Baekhyun, “But I'd enjoy it less.” He thought about Chanyeol lubed up and trying to squeeze into a vent. “Oh, actually I might enjoy it more.”

“I reckon I could get up there,” said Chanyeol, jumping off the bed. 

“Now?” asked Baekhyun, a little disappointed. He struggled to get up and climbed off the bed too. They pulled the bed across the cell till it was directly underneath the vent. 

Chanyeol clambered back onto it and reached up. 

“Hey, wait, before you go,” said Baekhyun suddenly and he jumped up onto the bed too. He reached out, slipping an arm around Chanyeol’s neck to pull him down to his height then kissed him tenderly. 

“Was that your way of telling me not to go?” breathed Chanyeol. 

“What? No, you’ve got to go. I just thought I should in case you die or something. This is our only chance to get out of here. Go! Now!” Baekhyun said, releasing Chanyeol and pushing him into the centre of the bed. 

Chanyeol stretched his arms up trying to reach the vent, his arm muscles straining in his sleeveless top, but though his fingers could brush the edge of the vent he couldn't get a grip. 

Baekhyun sat on the edge of the bed looking up. It was quite an enjoyable sight, not in the least because every time Chanyeol stretched upwards his tight top rode up revealing the sexy groove where his hips met his taut stomach muscles. 

“Damn it,” Chanyeol snarled after a few more tries, wiping sweat out of his eyes. Then he jumped suddenly, managing to grip the vent and pull it down, unfortunately, the whole duct rocked loudly at the same time.

Chanyeol let go, fell lightly back on his feet and shook his head ruefully. 

Baekhyun bit his finger, not really listening. 

“Are you thinking what I'm thinking?” Chanyeol asked looking down at him. 

“I really doubt it,” admitted Baekhyun. 

“You need to go in the vent.”

“What? I was definitely not thinking _that_! Why me?” 

“I don’t think that duct can take my weight if I have to pull myself up into it. But you can stand on my shoulders and I'll push you up instead.”

“But…” said Baekhyun, trailing off lamely.

“But what?!”

“But I don’t want to go into the vent,” admitted Baekhyun. “Let’s just wait here to die like we were doing before.”

“It’ll be fine, you’ll just go through the duct until you find another vent outside the cell then climb down and let me out,” said Chanyeol. 

“By climb down you mean _fall_ down, right?!”

“You can jump down. The ceiling in here isn’t that high.”

“You’re forgetting I'm normal sized!” exclaimed Baekhyun gesturing to himself. “I’m sure it doesn’t seem that high to someone with stilts for legs.”

“There might be a vent over something you can climb down onto, there’s a whole lot of stuff out there,” said Chanyeol dismissively. 

“Oh, sure, I’ll just climb down onto all the torture gear! Why not?!”

“Great,” said Chanyeol, jumping down off the bed and moving it to the side.

“How much more sarcastic could my sarcasm be?”

“I’ll think about it and let you know once you let me out of this cell,” said Chanyeol, pulling Baekhyun over to where he was standing directly under the open vent.

“At least let me get dressed first,” protested Baekhyun. 

“No, don’t. I’m going to stuff your clothes with more straw and try to make it look like you’re lying on the bed. In case he comes and opens the door,” explained Chanyeol. 

“So, you want me to crawl through a slippery metal duct in my underwear?”

“Yeah, I thought you said you’d enjoy that?”

‘No, I'd enjoy watching _you_ doing it, not me!”

Chanyeol bent down. “Ok, climb on,” he said tapping his shoulders. 

“Really not the context I wanted to hear you say that in,” grumbled Baekhyun, as he clambered up onto Chanyeol’s shoulders.

Chanyeol stood up, raising Baekhyun up closer to the ceiling.

“What if he walks in right now?” he asked. 

“Don’t jinx us!” warned Chanyeol. “Ok, now stand up on my shoulders.

Baekhyun tried to stand up, using Chanyeol’s head for support and perhaps pulling his hair a little more than was necessary. 

He pushed Baekhyun up into the vent. With considerable effort, Baekhyun scrambled inside. It was smaller and dustier than he’d expected, but otherwise not difficult to slide slowly through the duct. He thought he could see a grid of light a bit of way ahead which might be another vent opening. He slid along as quietly as he could, aware that even his smallest movements were making the duct creak ominously.

Before he could reach the next vent, he heard a sound from the room below. It sounded like footsteps. He stopped moving and lay very still listening. He heard the sound of someone unlocking a door then someone called out. 

“He’s not in here!” 

Then more footsteps and the sound of another door opening. 

“Where's the little one?” said the voice again. 

Chanyeol’s voice deep and distinctive replied, “Here, he’s sleeping.”

There were more footsteps, a pause and then the stranger exclaimed, “That’s just a pile of clothes. Where is he?”

“I--um---I ate him,” said Chanyeol.

Baekhyun exhaled, shaking his head, of all the excuses Chanyeol could have come up with. 

“You ate him?! I’m going to be very disappointed in you if that’s true,” said the stranger sternly. 

Based on where the voices were coming from Baekhyun thought that if he could reach the vent maybe he could jump down behind their captor. He didn’t have a plan for what he'd do after that but in the very least they might be surprised to have a mostly naked man fall on them from a vent.

He crawled forward and the duct gave its loudest creak yet. He stopped quickly, holding his breath.

There was an unnerving silence from the room below then Chanyeol’s voice could be heard loudly exclaiming, “Well you didn’t leave me any food.” 

Baekhyun was sure he was trying to divert attention away from him and draw their captor into a conversation. 

He inched forward the vent was barely a metre away now. Suddenly there was a shout from below and the tinny zing of gunfire hitting metal. The duct shook and the thin metal sheeting ripped in front of his eyes and split apart. He tried to turn back but was sliding uncontrollably towards the large gap which had formed. Unable to get a grip on the sides of the slippery duct he tumbled forward through the air, the sight of the laboratory a mere blur before he landed heavily on the ground.

He lay still for a second, willing himself to jump up but not sure he could even move. He felt like all the air had been knocked suddenly, brutally out of his lungs. 

“It’s raining men,” said the stranger, who stepped over him, pointing a gun in his face. Baekhyun looked up at the young man, the same one whose pale face had filled the advertisement screens at the EXOplanet. 

“You know I think that song was referring to more than one man,” said Baekhyun, finding his voice at last and managing to scramble to his feet. “How about I just climb back up there and see if I can find some more for you?”

“Shut up,” said another voice identical to the first stranger’s from nearby. Baekhyun turned, and immediately recognised the man he’d seen in the second video. He looked very like the first, except he had a red scar vertically crossing his right eye and cheekbone. He was dressed differently too in a black and red asymmetrical blazer which revealed half his toned, pale abdomen. 

“I told you there were 2 of them!” Baekhyun called out to Chanyeol. 

“No, you didn't, you just said he looked a bit different!” Chanyeol yelled back through the closed door of his cell. 

“That’s obviously what I meant,” retorted Baekhyun. 

“The only thing that’s obvious is that you’re trying to make it sound like you figured the whole thing out ages ago when you clearly didn’t, or we wouldn’t be in this situation!”

“How was I meant to know they were evil twins?! I just knew there were 2 of them.”

“You did not!”

“Would you stop bickering?!” snapped the second stranger, who seemed to have a very short temper. 

“And we’re not twins. I’m Sehun and this is my clone Sehůn,” said the first stranger, who was dressed all in black. 

“Did he just say the same name twice?” asked Baekhyun glancing towards Chanyeol’s cell, where Chanyeol was ripping the hessian now so he could peer through and could see what was going on. 

“Yeah,” replied Chanyeol. “It was kind of confusing. But I’m still stuck on the clone thing.”

“Just because your ignorant human ears can’t hear the obvious difference in our names,” scoffed Sehůn dismissively. 

“Say it again a bit more slowly,” ordered Baekhyun. 

“Shut up,” repeated Sehůn.

“He doesn’t want him to say it again because it was definitely the same name,” muttered Baekhyun.

Sehůn took a threatening step towards him and Chanyeol interrupted loudly, “Why did you lure us here?” 

“I needed some humans for my experiments, but not many people come out to this part of the galaxy. I didn’t expect I'd get two guinea pigs out of it, it’s clearly my lucky day,” said Sehun, he was twirling his ray gun absentmindedly now. 

“You’re going to tape us together and make a 2 headed monster hunter,” gasped Baekhyun

Sehun looked taken aback. “I am not!” he denied, looking genuinely irritated for the first time. “Why would you say that? I’m an actual scientist and to have you belittle my experiments like that is very insulting.”

“What experiments exactly?” asked Chanyeol.

“Well, if you must know, I need more humans to try my cloning machine on,” he said, sweeping a hand out in the direction of a large complex piece of machinery with a built-in table complete with the scary-looking leather restraints they had spotted earlier. “I’ve tried it on chickens and plants and even myself but I've made several adjustments since then and I need more humans if I am going to perfect it.”

“So, you’re going to clone us?”

“Yes, that's the plan.”

“Can I put my clothes back on before we do this?” asked Baekhyun. “I’m just suddenly very conscious that I'm the only one undressed. I mean other than bare midriff over here,” he added pointing at Sehůn’s stomach. “Don’t get me wrong the whole look is great on you,” he said in mollifying tones to the annoyed Sehůn. “I’m loving the little sneaky peek of abs. I don’t think me or my clone could pull it off. But I have always thought I'd look good with long hair and some kind of cool face chain though if you’re looking for suggestions.”

“Put your clothes back on and for god’s sake stop talking,” said Sehun. “I never had this problem with the chickens,” he muttered. 

Baekhyun didn’t need telling twice. He ran over to the cell door and Sehůn unlocked it so he could enter. Once inside he went over to the bed, shook as much straw out of his clothes as he could and started dressing. With his back to the door, he slipped his hand into the pants pocket and pulled out the pocket flare which was mercifully still inside and hid it in his closed hand.

On the way back to the door he paused next to Chanyeol. 

“I really hope me and my clone get to fuck you and your clone,” he said, touching one of Chanyeol’s arms.

“Not going to lie, I was thinking about that too,” admitted Chanyeol and he slipped an arm around Baekhyun’s waist and pulled him in close. 

“No touching!” yelled Sehůn.

Baekhyun ignored this, wrapping his arms around Chanyeol and kissing him hard on the mouth, sincerely hoping it wouldn’t be the last time. Chanyeol responded enthusiastically and behind Chanyeol’s back Baekhyun pulled the casing off the flare and pulled out the inner workings so the starter was exposed. It was difficult to screw the casing back together just by feel but he managed it without breaking the kiss. 

“And no kissing either!” Sehůn added, taking a threatening step into the cell. 

“Alright, alright,” Baekhyun said, pulling back from Chanyeol and slipping the starter into his palm. Chanyeol took it unquestioningly. 

“I thought from all the bickering that they hated each other,” said Sehun, who sounded a bit confused.

“Eh, it comes and goes,” replied Chanyeol shrugging.

“If you didn’t want us getting closer you shouldn't have put us in here with only one bed,” said Baekhyun.

“We put you in separate cells!” pointed out Sehun, irritably. "Get him out here, " he ordered Sehůn. 

Sehůn obediently grabbed Baekhyun and pulled him back out into the laboratory.

"You know if you like being bossed around maybe we can come to some kind of agreement,” whispered Baekhyun, watching Sehůn relock Chanyeol in the cell. “I'm bossy, aren't I? Chanyeol.”

“Very,” agreed Chanyeol.

“Are you seriously trying to bribe my clone?” asked Sehun. 

“No, I'm trying to lure him into servitude or some kind of threesome I haven't decided yet,” replied Baekhyun, winking at Sehůn.

"I'm down with anything if it gets me out of here," piped up Chanyeol.

“Are you sure you want to clone this one?” Sehůn turned to Sehun and asked, “I don't know if I can stand having 2 of him around.”

"You could have just said ‘No’, you don't have to be hurtful," muttered Baekhyun. 

“I think I prefer the OG Sehun. I think the genes got watered down a little when they made you,” added Chanyeol to Sehůn, his face pressed through the hole he’d made in the cell door. 

“I've made a lot of adjustments to the machine,” said Sehun to Sehůn, who was apparently ignoring everyone else while he switched on a large machine with many buttons and knobs. It emitted an unsettling staticky hum. “I don't know what the results will be. It might destroy both the clone and him. I don't want to waste the himbo.”

“What? You’re not talking about me, are you?” asked Chanyeol, sounding offended. “I’m not a himbo!”

“Hey,” protested Baekhyun. "I might not be over 6 foot but really I’m just as much of a himbo as he is. The blatant heightism I've experienced here today is disgusting. Fundamentally, I'm just as dumb and attractive as he is and---”

“I’m not a himbo!” repeated Chanyeol loudly over Baekhyun.

“Oh, just accept your himbo fate, Chanyeol,” snapped Baekhyun. 

“Do you want me to gag him?” asked Sehůn. 

“Which one?” asked Sehun miserably, holding his forehead.

“You could probably tear a bit more off your top and use that as a gag?” suggested Baekhyun, helpfully, eying Sehůn’s abs. 

“Stop ogling my clone!” exclaimed Sehun. 

“You’re the one who dressed him like that!” pointed out Baekhyun.

“I’m not a himbo!” repeated Chanyeol loudly.

“Everyone shut up!” roared Sehůn. 

The only noise in the lab was the humming of the machine in front of Sehun. Sehůn pulled Baekhyun over to it. 

“No!” yelled Chanyeol rattling the door of the cell roughly. 

“It’s ok, Chanyeol,” called Baekhyun, letting himself be pushed onto the slanted metal table.

“You should definitely clone me first!” yelled Chanyeol. “You should hear all the stupid stuff he’s done! He’s the bigger himbo.”

“Even I know that's not true, but I appreciate the sentiment, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun replied. “Don’t waste the himbo, clone me first,” he told Sehun. 

“Can you both stop acting like you have any say in this?!” snapped Sehun, he put Baekhyun’s legs through the leather restraints and began strapping him into the table.

Chanyeol continued to rattle the door like he was trying to pull it off its hinges. 

Sehun put Baekhyun’s left arm through another restraint and began buckling it.

“The clone’s not going to like...come out of my butt, is it?” Baekhyun asked Sehun quietly. 

“What?” asked Sehun looking up. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Well, where does it come out of then?”

“It’s not coming out of anywhere! You really know nothing at all about science, do you?”

“No, but I do know something about explosives,” said Baekhyun and he pulled out the pocket flare out of his right sleeve and directed it straight at Sehun’s face.

He clicked the trigger button. Sehun flinched, throwing his hands up in front of his face, but absolutely nothing happened. 

They both looked at the flare casing.

“You don't actually know anything about explosives, do you?” said Sehun cuttingly. 

“No,” admitted Baekhyun, and he smiled suddenly. “But, do you think it didn’t work because I took the starter out and gave it to Chanyeol?”

Sehun’s face registered nothing but blank shock for a second before Baekhyun yelled, “Now Chanyeol!”

Both Sehuns whipped around quickly to look at Chanyeol who stood still looking slightly confused inside the cell. 

“Now...what?” Chanyeol asked Baekhyun uncertainly. 

“Shoot the lock!”

“Oh! You know it would be nice if you discussed these things with me beforehand!” said Chanyeol, as he aimed the flare gun starter at the lock on the cell's door. 

“I didn’t know beforehand!” replied Baekhyun. 

There was a bang and the lock shattered. Both Sehuns immediately moved towards the door to block Chanyeol’s escape.

Baekhyun pulled his left arm free of the unbuckled restraint and grabbed Sehun. He swung back his right arm and punched him hard, his fist making contact with Sehun’s jaw with a sickening crunch. 

“Nobody calls Chanyeol a himbo but me!” he said, releasing Sehun who sank to the floor unconscious. Baekhyun shook out his throbbing fist for a few seconds before bending to undo the restraints still holding his legs to the metal table. 

Chanyeol who had pushed roughly through the door of the cell now, grabbed Sehůn as he approached and picking him up, he threw him into Baekhyun’s open cell. He slammed the door shut and locked the padlock. 

“You should've taken our guns away,” called Chanyeol to the Sehuns.

“But they did,” pointed out Baekhyun, nonplussed.

“No, I was punning! Get it? Like guns as in ripped arms?” explained Chanyeol, flexing his muscular arms at Baekhyun. 

“That’s awful. Admit it, you just wanted to draw attention to your arms!”

“I don't need to, these babies draw attention to themselves,” Chanyeol exclaimed and he flexed again. 

“Only because you insist on being sleeveless at every opportunity!”

“I like the way they leave my arms free to move.”

“Do you think the rest of us walk around with our arms pinned to our sides? You can move your arms in a normal shirt!” 

“Any chance we can discuss my fashion choices later on...I don’t know, maybe when we're off this bloody planet?”

“Good point,” agreed Baekhyun. “Where do you reckon the exit is?” 

“They came from that way before,” said Chanyeol, pointing off to the right of the cells. He took off running and Baekhyun followed. 

They ran down a stone corridor that led out of the laboratory and were soon back in the cave. 

“Leave the door open,” panted Chanyeol. Without their goggles, there was no light in the cave except what was filtering through the open door.

They ran through the shadowy cavern. Baekhyun was looking at the walls as they ran but the cave had no landmarks and there was no way to know if they were even heading the right way. They reached a bend in the cave, beyond which was pitched black. 

“This is it! This is the way out!” exclaimed Baekhyun, clutching Chanyeol's arm, he remembered the bend from when they were trying to catch the lightning eagle. 

“We’ll have to go slower so we don’t walk into the walls,” said Chanyeol, stepping slowly around the bend and into the darkness his arms outstretched. Baekhyun followed. 

After they’d gone a few metres a beam of torchlight cut suddenly through the gloom. 

“Stop or I’ll shoot!” yelled Sehun from behind them. 

Chanyeol grabbed Baekhyun’s arm and pulled him behind the rock ledge at the bend so they were out of the firing line.

“Come out now or I will find and shoot you,” threatened Sehun. 

They could hear him walking cautiously towards them.

The torchlight ranged slowly over to the top of the ledge and Baekhyun caught a glint of something cylindrical laying there.

He stood up and quickly grabbed it and then stepped around the bend. “Don’t shoot, we surrender,” he said, putting his hands up. 

“What are you doing?!” hissed Chanyeol.

“Good. I’m glad you’re finally acting reasonably,” replied Sehun. 

“Chanyeol, it’s better we just surrender. Stand up and put your hands up so he knows we won’t make trouble,” ordered Baekhyun.

“What?!” exclaimed Chanyeol.

“Just do it,” said Baekhyun, opening his eyes wide and trying to make his stare meaningful. 

Very reluctantly and still shooting Baekhyun disbelieving looks Chanyeol stood up and put his hands up too. 

“Good,” repeated Sehun, they couldn’t see his face beyond the blinding torchlight, but it was clear he was smiling. He stepped forward with a pair of electric restraints glowing in his hands. 

Baekhyun waited until he had almost reached him then leapt back and hit the release button on Chanyeol’s stunner net control which he’d been hiding in his closed fist. It shot down from the cave roof, an electric blue web-like net which spread out and engulfed a shrieking Sehun. The net gave a brief surging glow as it stunned its captive who fell suddenly silent. 

“Seriously?” gasped Chanyeol, who seemed about as surprised as Sehun had. “I thought we agreed that we'd discuss plans from now on?”

“There's never any time!”

Sehun stirred under the net. 

“C’mon, let’s go!” exclaimed Chanyeol, grabbing Baekhyun’s hand and pulling him through the cave. Once they were outside, they crashed their way down the overgrown path and back into the clearing where the ships were parked.

“The door to my ship is open!” cried Chanyeol, immediately running up to it and looking inside. He entered the cockpit. “No, no, no,” Baekhyun could hear him repeating from inside.

Baekhyun ran over to The Relentless. The door was still closed and locked, he unlocked it. The inside looked completely untouched except for the swamp monster who was lounging in the back of the spacecraft, his slimy leg like appendages propped lazily up on the back of the driver’s seat eating a bag of purple pluto potato chips. 

“Hey, I was saving those chips!” exclaimed Baekhyun. 

Squelchy looked down at the almost empty bag then held it out to Baekhyun. 

“You can't offer me my own chips! And those were a limited edition! You can’t buy them anymore,” he complained. 

He stomped out of The Relentless as Chanyeol appeared in the open doorway of the Star Fury, looking desolate. 

“Those bastards have ripped out the control panel,” he groaned, rubbing his face with his hands ruefully.

“Damn, that sucks.”

“What did they do to yours?”

“Nothing,” shrugged Baekhyun. “Though a very ungrateful swamp monster did eat some chips which were really important to me,” he added loudly, glancing back into The Relentless as he spoke. 

“What? Why didn’t they sabotage yours?” asked Chanyeol, who seemed quite offended by this turn of events. 

“Maybe because mine had a very hungry swamp monster inside? Besides let's face it, they probably thought it was broken down anyway,” replied Baekhyun consolingly. Indeed, with the Star Fury in all its majestic glory parked so nearby The Relentless looked more than usually decrepit. 

“Anyway, we have to get out of here, I'll give you a tow back to somewhere safe,” he said.

“With what?” asked Chanyeol.

“With my spacecraft!”

Chanyeol laughed then froze. “Oh shit, you’re serious?” he asked. “With that thing?!”

“Hey mine still has all its controls attached,” he protested. “Mostly attached,” he added thinking of the hyperjump button. “It’ll be fine and it’s not like you’ve got any other options!”

Chanyeol looked around hopefully like he might find another option if he looked hard enough. 

Baekhyun ducked back into The Relentless where Squelchy was holding the bag of chips over his open mouth shaking the last few crumbs inside.

“Seriously?” asked Baekhyun huffing his way over to the controls and clicking a few buttons to activate the tow link between the two ships. It took a minute to reconfigure as The Relentless’s settings defaulted heavily to being the ship which was towed not doing the towing. 

He left the craft and made his way back over to the Star Fury where Chanyeol was locking the door still looking depressed. 

“Ok are you ready to go?” asked Baekhyun. 

“Yeah, but just before we do,” Chanyeol said, looking surprisingly serious. “Um...what I said earlier about working together still stands, you know?”

“Are you only saying that because you haven’t got a working spaceship?” asked Baekhyun teasingly. 

“Yes, but I think the fact that I’m willing to be seen in that thing,” he said gesturing dismissively towards The Relentless, “speaks volumes about my—”

“Desperation?” hazarded Baekhyun. 

“I was going to say admiration of you, but yeah desperation works too.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I should be getting The Huntress back tomorrow,” said Baekhyun. 

“Oh, thank god,” said Chanyeol, sighing happily. 

“We can drop the Sparkle Tantrum---”

“Star Fury!”

“---off at the repair shop then if you like?” continued Baekhyun.

“You’re just full of good plans today,” said Chanyeol and he gave him a smile so admiring that Baekhyun involuntarily bit his lip.

Chanyeol turned to enter The Relentless and Baekhyun grabbed his arm.

“Hey...thank you for volunteering to be cloned instead of me,” he said uncharacteristically shyly. 

“Well, you know, one of you is more than enough for me,” said Chanyeol a little teasingly but the admiring smile was back and Baekhyun reacted without thinking. 

He threw his arms around Chanyeol’s neck and kissed him. They stood swaying on the spot utterly wrapped up in each other until a particularly guttural squelch erupted from inside the ship.

“What the fuck was that?” asked Chanyeol, breaking the kiss and peering nervously inside. 

“Squelchy,” replied Baekhyun. “He’s disgusted by us pressing our face holes together.”

“He’s disgusted by us?!” asked Chanyeol, holding both hands to his nose as the eye-watering smell from inside The Relentless hit him at last. 

Squelchy squelched out an additional remark. 

“Apparently he finds our dry, slimeless bodies offensive too,” translated Baekhyun. “C’mon let’s go,” he added, pulling a now very reluctant Chanyeol into the spacecraft and shutting the door. 

Squelchy looked Chanyeol up and down then emitted a sucking groan. 

“Yeah, that’s him,” said Baekhyun, sliding into the driver’s seat.

“You can really understand that?” asked Chanyeol.

“I’ve gotten used to it.”

“What did he say?”

“He asked if you were the cheap bastard who wouldn’t buy us lobster,” said Baekhyun, flicking switches and engaging the engine. 

“He did not!” exclaimed Chanyeol before he was thrown back in his chair by the force of The Relentless taking off. Baekhyun had given it all the throttle he could since they had to tow the Star Fury too. 

Nobody spoke, it was too loud to, until they were out in open space and Baekhyun levelled the spacecraft out. He put The Relentless into fuel conserving mode and they cruised at a more relaxed pace. It was going to be a long trip, there was no way they could hyperjump with the Star Fury attached as precariously as it was. 

“Where are we going anyway?” he asked suddenly. 

They both looked at each other.

“EXOplanet?” suggested Chanyeol, with a raised eyebrow. 

“Wait…I think it’s Saturday,” Baekhyun said in surprise.

“All-You-Can-Drink-Saturn-Sangria-Saturday?!”

Baekhyun shrugged and shot Chanyeol a flirty look. “I’m game if you are?”

Chanyeol smiled back, he slipped one of his warm hands over Baekhyun’s holding the gear stick and squeezed.

Squelchy made a desultory noise from the backseat.

“It’s alright. You can come with us. We’ll sneak you in. Here you can wear my jacket as a disguise,” said Baekhyun, pulling out a long black jacket from behind his seat and preparing to toss it to Squelchy. 

“Hey, that’s _my_ jacket!” exclaimed Chanyeol snatching it off him. “Aw it’s got swamp all over at,” he groaned, examining it in disgust. 

Squelchy made a sound like a plunger. 

“That better have been an apology!” snapped Chanyeol. 

“No, he says he’s never been more attracted to you,” said Baekhyun.

“He did not!”

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> Baekhyun is the only person in existence to be cockblocked by both a ceiling vent and a swamp monster.


End file.
